Being With Fear: It’s Not Bravery, It’s Living the Experience

Every one of us struggles in some way. We all experience fear, sadness, insecurity, loneliness (the sadness, insecurity and loneliness all iterations of fear, when you get down to it.) It’s not a pretty reality and it’s one we go to great lengths to smooth over. We drink, we binge watch TV, we “stay busy”, we experience boredom and restlessness. Anything to avoid the fact that we might be too afraid to make a difficult choice, or even to face just how we feel right now, in this moment.

The paradox of this pain is that we cannot get past it without fully experiencing it. To go beyond fear, we need first to be with it — this is not a condition of fearlessness, we are not rejecting or covering over our fear, we are working with it. It’s not true that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. The scariest thing of all — is never acknowledging whatever it is that you are most afraid of.

I’ve taken the biggest leap of my life in the past few weeks. And that is saying a lot, coming from a woman who left a C-level job some years ago to test start up waters. The same woman who divorced twice (happily married now for more than 20 years but that’s for another story). I remember the abject fear throughout all of the challenges and changes. But. I also remember this sense of purpose that I was always walking with. A determination. It felt as if there was really no other choice for me but to make my way forward.

I have a favorite photograph that I took some years ago of a young girl leaping off a pier into the cold Maine ocean. Her energy, strength and determination is palpable. She doesn’t know how deep the water is, only that it is deep enough. She doesn’t know exactly how cold the water is. But it’s Maine! The water will be cold. Still, she’s going for it. Taking the plunge.

This time, my choice to step away (once again) from a secure full-time position is scary, yes. But it is grounded in the understanding that I have been through difficult times before. They all made me stronger. It’s part of a long process of coming into a deeper understanding of myself, of examining my fear and stepping through.

There’s nothing special about me. We can all learn to work with fear. It just takes a willingness and awareness.

When fear arises in you try this. Just stop. Stop and listen to your heart and your careening thoughts. Now, begin the good, careful work of open-hearted inquiry. This is inquiry that is curious and kind, non-judgmental.

How is the fear showing up? Where is it in your body? What thoughts or emotions arise? Can you give yourself a little space as you observe? Think of yourself as being in the laboratory of the heart.

You might notice that the very act of observing provides some relief.

Someone once described fear as excitement without the breath. Breathe now. However feels right for you in the moment.

And now see if you can’t give yourself some self-compassion. What would a dear friend say to you right now? What do you need to hear? Some people find it useful to write a letter to themselves in the voice of their dear friend.

Offering compassion to yourself often takes the sting out of the fear.

As you learn to give yourself more room and comfort within the fear, you will build more capacity for your emotions.

And learning to work with difficult emotions is really all that we can do. There really is no eradicating fear, there is just understanding it and caring for yourself in the midst of it all.

People keep telling me that I am brave. But what is bravery? I’m still learning but right now bravery feels like willingness. Willingness to see what comes next without knowing (really) what is around the corner.